Feeling cheery so head off to a local cemetery. Discover monuments of neglect. Why bury your loved ones if you can lock'em up and throw away the key?
20/2 -25/2 Eat steak, drink wine. Met up daily with my good friend Soraya (whom i met in Pipa, Brazil last October) and we studied together, she helped me with my Spanish, and I with her English. It's nice to have a friend who lives here.
Friday 26th Feb - Monday 8th March
Two weeks of intensive Spanish at Mundo Español. Just round the corner from my hostel this was a great little place to learn the lingo. I had private classes with a range of teachers, all were pretty good. The discipline of going to college for 4 hours every morning also kept me on the straight and narrow.. at least for a while.. though i think the pressure built up....
One of my fellow students was a guy from Germany, we hung out and one day he brought along his sexy young flatmate. She was a lovely girl, had a beautiful innocent look but every now and then she threw in some deliciously naughty comments that made you do a double-take.
Not to seem completely one-tracked, I went on a few tourist jaunts..
One of my fellow students was a guy from Germany, we hung out and one day he brought along his sexy young flatmate. She was a lovely girl, had a beautiful innocent look but every now and then she threw in some deliciously naughty comments that made you do a double-take.
Not to seem completely one-tracked, I went on a few tourist jaunts..
Argentinians are probably just about the most football crazy nation, at least on a par with Brazil, England etc. I didn't go to any matches though, some of the stories i heard put me off, and paying 50 quid to be pissed on wasn't my idea of fun. I found the artwork outside quite interesting though, what what. Retire for tea.
Torture myself over my obsession with women. Start streaming my inner thoughts onto paper. Move them into cyberspace. Feel guilty. Worry.
Post personal diary, it's illegible anyway so I'm safe, no? Post extracts in small-print, so I'm safe, no?
Post personal diary, it's illegible anyway so I'm safe, no? Post extracts in small-print, so I'm safe, no?
Extract from handwritten diary
Feb 28th 2010 Hostel Ostinatto BA
Where to start, what is real? What is really what I feel, and what is stuff I do to protect myself from feeling what I really feel?
I'm fuelled by an imminent conquest - my ego is poised and already moving in on another innocent creature. She is a lovely german girl, I look at her and at times I feel the pain inside me transform into passion and I want to devour her to make her mine. Is it so terrible that I know the end before the beginning has begun? It is so conforting and beautiful to feel her hand in mine. Ok I am scared, I want to cry, I want to pray.
There is no risk in my union with her, because i know the outcome I dislike myself for the cowardice that this represents, but am I being too harsh? Is it not all perfect and to enjoy or live the moment is all that counts. I pray to feel and to live that feeling at all times. God is my will and way. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.
2/3 Flashback to Brazil, a very sexy Carioca is studying in the language school. I make a mental note to look her up when in Rio. She lives in Niteroi, a suburb I've not been to yet, that's a good excuse no?
Date with the German girl. If you want a girl to drag you to bed, take her to "Señor Tango", its an amazing show, incredibly passionate.
Extract from diary 2-Mar
...i'm a little torn as i know this lovely German girl will sleep with me when we get the chance of privacy, but then I also know it wouldn't lead anywhere. The "moment" has passed but we have this pseudo-romantic thing going on. It's pleasant to have someone to hold, to kiss, to caress, but it gives me pain to know that I will lose it and perhaps more even that it is my choice.
If I am being truly honest I would let go of her knowing the moment has gone, and if something happens then this will be a new moment - but how could anything happen except if I crawl myself to this past moment and cowardly grab what I have not yet been able to take.
Next day --
My mind flits over a multitude of images from last night - the tango show was amazing, and then came a moment, which as expected felt as if I had seized it from the past, a cruel and cowardly robbery - or was it?
This is a journal of cowardice. But my hope is that through the effort I take in exposing myself, I can overcome the fears that make my seek cover in cowardly acts, and instead start to live truely.
Where is the risk? As I feel myself melting into her on the dance floor am I scared?
.. A risk is an act that potentially compromises the ego. A 'safe' action simply maintains the ego stable size.
Sunday 7/3. Depressed. Wander to the local market. See a blond girl i recognise, i assume she is from the hostel. We stop and chat for some minutes trying to work out where we know each other from. Eventually we discover it was Rio carnival. Small world the backpacker circuit. She has a lot of energy and i start to feel better, we go shopping together, and she helps me choose an alpaca jumper which turns out very useful for the chilly south. I give her my opinion on dress colours.
8/3 - 14/3 Week of mayhem, see separate blog entry.
15/3 I consider buying a netbook (=small laptop) for my travels. I make a list of pros and cons and decide against it. "not buying a laptop" appears in my diary under a list of personal achievements:
asking Marina to dinner
dancing Tango while being centre of attention
not buying a laptop
letting people look after their own feelings
adding Mother on facebook
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