How not to fall in love

Get a crush on a girl. Have her reject you. Flee to an ex who will take you instead. Melt into her arms. Realise your cowardice. Run away again.

Some time earlier, or later, or in between...

(some names may have been changed for privacy reasons)

Argentine Bicentary celebrations
23/5 Arrive Buenos Aires just in time for their Bicentenary celebrating 200 years since independence (more or less). So many cultures represented in one event, such is the diversity of nations that populated this amazing city, country, and continent as a whole. There was everyone (except the Brits of course)..



The Brits did supply the weather though, and some of our relatives threw in some violence.



More pics

24/5 Girl arrives in my dorm as I'm taking a siesta. Through her eyes I catch a glimpse of her troubled soul, or vice versa. We go for a walk together, and in my weakness our hands and lips melt together. 30 minutes later she asks me what i'm feeling. This makes me think, so the melting stops, and a mangled mess of troubled soul congeals then shatters about us. For a few minutes I pretend nothing has happened, but you don't need to be a master Reiki healer, which she was, to notice this. So we switch to being friendly and exchange personal tragedies instead.

It's all love and peace for 29 minutes.

25/5 Next day before leaving she asks "Can I give you some advice?". Out of instinct to please, I do what she wants, that is to let her give me some advice, so I say yes. But I didn't really want this so it just pisses me off. What I really wanted to say was "Why? Do you think you know what I need?" or perhaps more succinctly "Get stuffed bitch".

In the evening I head to the main Bicentenary parade, a fantastic show tracing the history of Argentina from pre-hispanic times to present day.


Couple of pics nicked off the internet.

26/5 Wednesday. Get depressed. This gets boring.

27/5 One of my room-mates is a cheery Irish chap who runs the Argentinian branch of a club called "South American Explorers". He introduces me to Mary, an English girl, and a group of us head to a Polish bar offering free German beer. Mary has "the most beautiful eyes that make me go all wobbly looking at her", says my diary. I distract myself by spotting a sultry local lounging alone at a table and break off to practice my spanish. She's clearly available but I've got a crush on Mary so give up and head home.

28/5 Lovesick. I feel like a soppy wet mop sitting in the corner of the bathroom.

29/5 Saturday night. Drop by Mary's room. I'm awkward and so is she. She knows I have a crush on her. I told her "I have a crush on you." Probably not the best tactic. Anyway I invite her and her friend to a tango show. She accepts and off we go. I suggest to Mary "If you kiss me I might be cured of my crush, though it's not guaranteed to work." This line wasn't guaranteed to work either. Well she answers that she has a "complicated situation". I take this to mean she has a boyfriend, or get lost. Persistence, which I'm usually known for, escaped me, so instead of suggesting a simple situation I just give up. Pussy abandons pursuit of pussy.

The tango show was amazing though, Confiteria Ideal is an authentic venue.

Some more pics nicked off the internet.

30/5 Sunday. Feeling ok. This always surprises when it happens, though in hindsight the comfortable familiarity of rejection probably cheered me up. As did Flor, the friendly receptionist in fancy dress, giving me a smacker.

Later I'm on the way to a dinner date and a number of good-hearted passers-by warn me that I've lipstick on my face. I enjoy this but nonetheless it's probably not a good look on a date, so I clean it off before reaching the restaurant. My date is Lilia, a lovely girl I'd met in March last time I was in Buenos Aires. Actually its not supposed to be a date, just a friendly re-union, but who am I kidding? I feel a bit awkward. We do conversation for a while, and afterwards she invites me for coffee at her place. "Coffee and sex?" I joke, nervously. She assures me not and still lets the wolf in. But I'm feeling more like a puppy this evening, and putty in her presence. I'm very nervous of trying anything with her as I'm afraid of letting emotions spill again, but ever so slowly I'm overtaken by the moment. We're both very sensitive creatures, and the first moments are probably the most magical and timeless I've had with my clothes on.

31/5 Monday night. I awake in the middle of the night and find myself tuning the Double Base but its a very sensitive instrument and I can't seem to find the right notes. Back to sleep and my lingering insecurity wants to manifest as an intense lucid dream, but this freaks me out so slowly I let myself wake up.

1/6 Move to Palermo neighbourhood, which happens to be close to Lilia's place. Dump some of my head to my diary. Guilt is double-underlined.

2/6 I fancy the idea of renting a room for a few weeks, so I a check out a place advertised on Craig's list, but then get lazy and just stay in the hostel as its well located and comfortable.

In the evening is the hostel pub crawl, though I just want to crawl under the floorboards. But I emerge to make an effort. Free beer in the hostel on presentation of flashing ring that pub-crawlers have purchased for this exercise. I'm not going on the pub-crawl so I ask my room-mate if I can borrow his ring. He's a proper English rudeboy so he profers me his arsehole. The same guy who wrote on the fridge door "I'm going to stab you in the eye". It's like being back at boarding school.

3/6 Amazing night with Lilia. Censored.

4/6 Turning point. Lilia calls me sounding very sad, says she's had a bad day at work. I feel the puddy cat rubbing her head against me and I can't but help myself from stroking her better. She's already purring before we meet later, but now I feel I have an allergy to her touch, that same touch that felt so wonderful only the day before.


Doodle-therapy: who's in your head?

5/6 Oops, I've done it again. I'm feeling low the next day and, unable to hide this completely, she tries to talk me into being happy. It's a beautiful day, we lunch at a lovely rooftop restaurant, the sun is shining, but inside I am a cavern of emptiness. So I retreat to my cave.


Inner peace

6/6 Day in the park, reading, lazing in the sun. But there is a cloud from yesterday hanging over me, so I invite Lilia over for some tortilla, with no intentions, just to talk and see what happens. We make some small-talk, eat tortilla, then chat about yesterday. She asks me "What do you want?" It's a great question, and piercing in its directness. I'm in control, so I'm out. It's over. I walk with her home, there are some protests but I have no answers so I stay quiet and try to listen. I accept her invite to come up for tea, and I just sit there listening, having nothing to say.

I write a lot in my diary, including a little soppy poem of gratitude:

"I am but a budding shoot
Dependent on your light and food
But if and when I do bear fruit
I owe it all to you."

And to cheer myself up, I suggest a hypothesis on ego growth, which basically says that so-called "Big" egos are in fact very small but growing, but maybe referred to as "big" because, as they attempt to grow they consume new space which is large in proportion to their size.

And what do you do in your spare time?

That night I get such a touching mail from Lilia it made me cry. It was one of immense gratitude for my listening, so long it had been since someone had listened and cared for her as I did. I found it so touching that after what had happened she could still find the heart to give.

I wipe my tears and move on...